My visit to the Shrink.

I waited 2 fuckin' hours for Dr. Cruz earlier.

Nagusap kame ng bonggang-bongga ni Doc about the weird things that are happening to me. He asked me things like "Have you been traumatized about something?" or "Do you want to talk about the bad things that happened to you recently?" and stuff like "Are you pressured or is there something stressing you? School? Family? Peers?" What's funny is he really tried squeezing it all out of me. Apparently, the only choice was to relate the story of my life, so i did. It's cool 'cos it's the first time i ever had a really informational conversation with a professional shrink and the weird thing is i wasn't hesitant to talk. They really do know how to psycho people.

When he finally got all the juicy bits from me, he announced it was Acute Anxiety Disorder. I wasn't sure if i'd be happy or not. Happy 'cos at least i found out what's wrong with me and not, 'cos the truth wasn't any less devastating at all. Wasn't any less hard. Wasn't any less painful. He gave me medications. No, i mean, narcotics. The guy from Mercury Drug said the pills were "dangerous" reason why they had to get my ID and confiscate the RX the Doc gave me. I just laughed.

Does that mean im dangerous too?

Only God knows.

Because today's the first day of my "heart complication" life, i've decided to stay at home and rest.

I went to the doctor (alone) yesterday. Dr. Bartolome is the same doctor i went for a check up when i was sick a month ago. He's an internist and he's ilonggo. He checked my record and said "Ano na naman ang sakit mo 'day?" and when i told him i experience palpitations, he replied "Ay abaw, lain naman? Ano ginabatyag mo subong?" We discussed about the different symptoms i had and he was nodding and all to my explanations. He asked me about stress and if i feel tired all the time, i said yes to the latter. He was explaining things to me, which didn't really made sense until he told me about the heart complication. "Bal-an mo 'day pag gabiring ang isa ka lobe sg ulo mo, sa heart mo na and problema. Dali ka kapuyon? Example, magsaka ka sa stairs, dali ka kapuyon?" I didn't quite understand the things he told me but there's one thing i realized, my head always numbs when i feel really tired. So when i agreed to his explanations, he told me to lay down the bed near the door of his clinic. He checked my heart with his stethoscope. "Hmmm, sa heart gid. Ah, sa heart gid.." was all he said. He gave me anti-stress supplements and for the palpitations which i found out later on was also given to patients who tremble a lot coupled with anxiety. And then i asked him about panic attacks.

Both Dr. Bartolome and my ate (who's an RN) agreed to the panic disorder, so the doc referred me to a Dr. Cruz, a psych. But my appointment's tomorrow. All i can do now is get myself ready for whatever the doctor's findings may be.

Apparently, the worst is yet to come. So yesterday, after hearing the sad news, i decided to go out and have some fun with friends. I must have fun now that i still can 'cause technically, only God knows..

Chocolate Kisses.

Panic attacks.

For the past week i've been having really bad panic attacks and it's getting the best of me. I don't even know why im experiencing it. I told my ate about it, and last week she told me i should observe.. But yesterday was the last straw.

After school i went to a coffee shop to drink this really cold mocha frappe and read the last pages of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I stayed there for a while and finally went home. I was thinking of maybe doing some wicked tracks over Fruity Loops when i get home when suddenly the panic attack started. I wasn't able to breathe. I don't know if i am aware that im hallucinating but my mind was not where it was. I know deep inside it was somewhere else and i don't know where. I started to feel really nauseated and my body turned cold. I tried directing the AC on a different direction but it did no help. So i stopped at Pedro Gil and used the bathroom at a local food chain store. I peed and it was the most glorious pee ever. I started to shake the feeling off and when it did i rode the bus to Ayala. I wanted to sleep, i really really wanted to close my eyes and think nothing but sleep but i can't. Panic overwhelmed me again. But this time it was close to dying, literally. I tried all sorts of distraction, focused on different things (like the cars and the road and how they all look blurry from where i am), i even sang to the song the radio on the bus was playing but all it did was make my heart beat faster. It felt like something was after me and i know it's all in my head but it just wouldn't go away. So i got off again, this time it was a mall. I pretended i was searching for something. I have to find something nice so my mind would be distracted of the panic. I saw nipple tapes on the counter of one of the shops i went into and bought it immediately. I was always so fond of nipple tapes but didn't really got the chance of buying one for myself so when i got out of the shop i felt happy. The weird kind of happy. I searched for a bathroom, locked myself inside a cubicle and started crying. I realized i had no control of my mind anymore. No control of my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my fear. So i texted my ate again, and this time i told her i was really scared. But what scared me the most is the way she talked to me. It was the first time she was serious over something concerning me.

I rode a taxi and when i finally got home, i cried. And there was one thing i asked myself over and over again.. "What's wrong with me?"

Reverie.

So, it's the first time in 2weeks that i viewed your blog and really, i had nothing to do when i did that (i still am a few pages to the end with the current book im reading). Im a little bit hurt (yes, just a little bit, so your guilt trips wouldn't be so bugged) about how busy you are and all that really long list you have of the things you wana do in the future and it just left me confused and numb at the same time knowing i wont be in it (not ever) and so, i wont be expecting anyway. Just a little bit hurt, that's all. Our last conversation was, well, not that friendly at all. For the record, i was really drunk when i texted you and really, i didnt know what i was doing that night. I just felt like i needed to keep up with your life in case i was unconsciously left behind with my own. Things have been amazingly different and fast-paced lately and im trying not to be too worked up with the agendas that's keeping me busy but, you know, there's still things that keep me on the ground. Like you. When i think about you, it's like the whole world, the whole human race is pretending with me. Pretending that you do not exist for a minute or two or if you are, you're somewhere else anwyay, some place where nobody knows you or if they do they are too busy to even bother you and vice versa and you're alone. So alone that you probably think the same way and the whole world, the whole human race would probably be doing the same thing you want them to do when you think about me and i think about you. But that's bull.

I dont know if i miss you or i love or i need you. Cos even if i figure that one out id be in deep shit anyway. So i think it's better that i think of you this way so things can get back to the way they were when you weren't part of the big picture.

There's one thing i know for sure though. Im still running away from that last night we were together. Still finding a 24/7 coffee shop that can satisfy my need for silence and reverie. Still finding the best tasting coffee, one that can make me forget the things we shared. Still finding that one person who wouldn't leave my life just when i need him the most..

TVL215

Im gonna ride this plane out of your life again.

Realizations.

I wasn't aware that you never knew that i did. I didn't know that nobody ever told you that i knew everything already. Then maybe you are right. Maybe we must stop talking and arguing and pretending we're okay being friends when obviously, we're not. We'll never get over each other and i guess that's what's making me do a lot of mess. I ask a lot of questions. I tell you a lot of private nuisance. I annoy you and i never knew i did, not until last night.

You still make me realize things.

And you know what i realized last night?

I'm tired.

This time around, i won't hold you back anymore.

But im here, always.

Take care.

yudiputayah.

My tear ducts were never this proud before.

3am song.

Baby, it's 3am. I must be lonely.

Mister Tuffy.

So maybe we're not really supposed to talk about things like the ones we talked about the other night and how you made me smile conversation after conversation, topic after topic, long pause after long pause, and question after question. And maybe there wasn't enough periods in our sentences which made that night seem so.. incomplete. Or maybe it was just a dream i still couldn't figure out until now, and maybe days after this. Or maybe it was the read-between-the-lines or the i-got-you-where-i-want-you phrases that never failed to make me feel scared and delighted both at the same time.

You are one strange guy, Mr. Tuffy. And im never as good as you in mind games. But damn you for making me miss you this much.

I miss you.

Part of me still wants a part of you.

That part which i knew better than anyone else..

I dont even know why we ended up like this.

I want to let you go, i do.

But sometimes, even the hardest things in life are the most convenient ones.

I miss you in the morning, when i wake up.

I miss you when i try to find words to describe how much i do.

Because when you're near, it's easier to say them..

I'd give anything to go back..

FEU Art Gallery

I was trying to scan my High School graduation pictures earlier but because of a dumbass that i am, i wasn't able to successfully save them.. Was supposed to post 'em here, ugh. So, anyway, i had a 6-730pm class yesterday and my friend Rina and I were killing time goofing around at the 8th floor of our building when i suddenly thought of taking photos of the works i like. And tah-dah, here they are.

So sorry for the bad shots. Taken with my Nokia 3500c phone.