Panic attacks.

For the past week i've been having really bad panic attacks and it's getting the best of me. I don't even know why im experiencing it. I told my ate about it, and last week she told me i should observe.. But yesterday was the last straw.

After school i went to a coffee shop to drink this really cold mocha frappe and read the last pages of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I stayed there for a while and finally went home. I was thinking of maybe doing some wicked tracks over Fruity Loops when i get home when suddenly the panic attack started. I wasn't able to breathe. I don't know if i am aware that im hallucinating but my mind was not where it was. I know deep inside it was somewhere else and i don't know where. I started to feel really nauseated and my body turned cold. I tried directing the AC on a different direction but it did no help. So i stopped at Pedro Gil and used the bathroom at a local food chain store. I peed and it was the most glorious pee ever. I started to shake the feeling off and when it did i rode the bus to Ayala. I wanted to sleep, i really really wanted to close my eyes and think nothing but sleep but i can't. Panic overwhelmed me again. But this time it was close to dying, literally. I tried all sorts of distraction, focused on different things (like the cars and the road and how they all look blurry from where i am), i even sang to the song the radio on the bus was playing but all it did was make my heart beat faster. It felt like something was after me and i know it's all in my head but it just wouldn't go away. So i got off again, this time it was a mall. I pretended i was searching for something. I have to find something nice so my mind would be distracted of the panic. I saw nipple tapes on the counter of one of the shops i went into and bought it immediately. I was always so fond of nipple tapes but didn't really got the chance of buying one for myself so when i got out of the shop i felt happy. The weird kind of happy. I searched for a bathroom, locked myself inside a cubicle and started crying. I realized i had no control of my mind anymore. No control of my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my fear. So i texted my ate again, and this time i told her i was really scared. But what scared me the most is the way she talked to me. It was the first time she was serious over something concerning me.

I rode a taxi and when i finally got home, i cried. And there was one thing i asked myself over and over again.. "What's wrong with me?"