Runaway.

Everybody was intoxicated, not me.

I had to go. Tita was home and i'd be dead if i came home super late so when Keps announced he was gonna be off in a while, i decided to come along. "Nakakabadtrip e. Ba't sila may beso-beso, ako wala?" Arturo, my other friend, jokingly told me on the way to the bus stop. "E ganun talaga e." I, laughing, replied. But i gave him a kiss on the cheek anyway. It was the least i can do for all the efforts he's exerted since he knew about my conditon.

Keps and i talked in the bus. I was already nervous then, knowing i had to get off of the bus in Buendia and ride another jeep that would take me home, alone. I distracted myself. As always, i tried. I eventually said goodbye to him and got off. Rode a jeep and off it went. I turned my iPod shuffle on and found myself listening to Urbandub's Runaway. Funny how things fall into the right place when you least expect it. It felt like it was written for me, for that moment, for that very feeling i felt when i got off the jeep. I clicked paused, unconsciously went inside McDonald's and bought a sundae. No, im not a big fan of chocolate fudged sundaes but it just seemed like it was the perfect time to try something i haven't done for a long while..liking something i don't.

I bought 2 cigs but never bothered lighting it. I just bought them for the very purpose of knowing i had cancer sticks in my pocket. I felt contented. I wanted to stay there, outside Mcdo, and wait until i experience the panic. I wanted to feel alone again and actually love it. I wanted to be proud of myself that for once, after a long while, im comfortable with being lonely. I wanted to be somebody else and not mind other people's feelings. I wanted to runaway from everything and just stay there until i forget who i am. I wanted to be responsible for my actions, to be independent, to be safe without anybody else's help. But i knew that if i did, id be liking things i dont. And it struck me..

Im tired of wanting things im not supposed to want.