Dear The Crusher,

I am writing to you for two reasons.

The first is because i hate you. I hate how you made me feel so alone after everything we've shared and left me wondering whether it was good or the opposite of that. I hate how you disposed me just like that and never even looked back on the days when we were happier and lovelier than this hopelessness we are in. I hate how you said the most insensitive and hurtful of words every time i asked you if you were fine and acted like it was the right thing to do when clearly it wasn't and you knew you were way better than that. I hate how you broke your promises of being always there, of protecting and loving me, of...

And the second reason is because i'm sorry. I'm sorry that i loved and hurt you at the same time. It was all good.. while it lasted.

Katy Perry Live in Manila!

Fuck yea.

Up North.

Spent the weekend up North. Had a really great time..

Now i know there really is such a thing as "strawberry-flavored kisses".

Thanks..

I feel so dirty.

So, Pepper (my Diana F+) will be going home for the Holidays. My mom forced me to... I didn't have a choice. She bought me tickets and i was like, "FUCK MY LIFE" the whole damn day. I don't want to go home. I don't want to see the people who once tortured me and made me look stupid in front of everybody. I don't want to see her and all the places that once made me the happiest person in the whole world.

But, fuck it. No matter how hard i try to rant everything here, nothing's ever gonna change that fact. May ticket na nga ako diba. Alangan naman i-refund ko yun ng hindi alam ng nanay ko? Edi lalong napaaga doomsday nun. Pft.

Anyway, about the title.. Nothing, i just felt so dirty and bad and insensitive. And i don't know the fuck why..

Wordboner of the day

How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

Love this.

I am writing about you.

I am writing about you, Honey..

I am writing about how stupid i am to ever think that we were meant for forever. Now i know.. Forever is bull..

I am writing about you, Honey.. And how this emptiness carved a big hole in my life.

NOTE TO SELF.

Whatnots.

Ugh, i kinda cleaned my drawer earlier and discovered some stuff i didn't know i still kept. I'll just share these..

La Consolacion College - Bacolod City ID tag given to me by a friend some 4 years ago.

Tarsier Doll - from Randell

Preying Mantis toy - from a friend whose name i forgot

That's a Circa key chain right there. A freebie from my brother's Circa shoes back in 2006.

That's me a year ago before entering FEU.

And that's Nico Funa, tropa slash first college crush. He gave me that photo.

My frog purse.

You can slip 500 peso bills in here and people would still think you're wearing a frog purse. Which you are. LOL

I used this glasses from my Senior year in High School until i think Freshman year in college. I put it in my bag and unfortunately sat on it.

The lost baby shoe i found 2 summers ago in a Boutique. I always thought this was a sign.

My X-Ray result back in 2007 when i enrolled in Mapua. It says i have clear lungs. Puzzling.

The first Emperador ball i kept.

Cacao Time!

.

Matututunan din kitang mahalin.

Love..

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

10 Things I Hate About You

TOEIC Exam

Test Of English for International Communication.

2 long hours of answering questions about listening and reading comprehension with the rest of 50 or more Architecture and Fine Arts students. Results will be given out after a month. I will then have a TOEIC certificate, of course if i pass.

Mad inconsistencies.

This is a routine of mad inconsistencies.

My alarm clock would wake me up, and i would open my eyes to either cold mornings or lazy afternoons, depending on my class. I would ask my alarm clock for 5 more minutes, then close my eyes and wake up again 15-30 minutes later. I would get out of the sheets, get my towel, enter the bathroom, open the hot and cold water knobs and wait until the two would blend in a comfortable feeling of warmness. I would get out of the shower, wipe the fog off the mirror and look at myself for some 3 minutes. I would try to pull out a smile. Sometimes i'd get contented, most of the time it would just leave me a feeling of indifference. I would get in my preferred pair of undies and school uniform, comb my hair neatly, eat breakfast, fix my things, drink my medicine and would say hello to the world the moment i step out of this red-bricked building that is my temporary home.

Every single day i would.

The busy streets and hurrying office people would then wake me up to the reality that i am again outside my comfort zone and would hold on to my faith and my bag for protection. I would jump in a jeepney, pay my ride fee, and notice other passengers noticing me. I would turn on my iPod, guess every song that would play and would even try to sing along in my mind. I would get off the jeepney, ride the train that would take me as near as it would get to my school and would ride another vehicle that would get me nearer to my destination. A cancer stick would keep my hopes high for a good day so i would get one before getting in class. I would get there late, as usual.

Every single day i would.

My mood would depend on how my day goes and each day would be none like any other. I would crack up jokes and tease my classmates with the help of some friends and they would tease me back to some guys whom i am not even interested with but is worth the smile. The thought of them liking me makes me like myself more no matter how narcissistic it would sound. I would look at my phone every now and then and would miss the times when it consumed most of my breathing moments. I would try and pretend i like going to school but would end up hating it even more by the time i realize i am running out of inspirations for doing all the crap i have to do to please my professors for them to pass me. The stress and pressure would make me feel less happy but friends would always cheer me up, unconsciously.

Every single day they would.

The aftermath of school at the end of the day would leave me nothing but excitement to be back again in my comfort zone, my temporary home, my resting place. I would take another bite of my medicine, wait for it to take effect on me which is something i seldom feel now, and would hurriedly ride the same vehicles, the same route, back home. I would not mind the people who would look at me and examine my reaction when i feel panic because i have gotten used to it and it's something that would never bother me anymore. Upon arriving home, i would take off my shoes, unbutton my uniform and would lie down in bed and thank God i survived another never-ending cycle of ups and downs, of happy and mad people, of sick and perky moods, of realizations and wishful thinkings, and of nostalgic and displeasing sunrises and sunsets that is what's left of you and me.

Every single day i would.

The minutes would pass, and the ticking of the clock would not make it any easier for me to fall asleep. Even if i would close all the lights and drown myself in darkness, i would only find myself wide awake, thinking things i don't even know i am still aware of. Hours would pass and the moon-lit city peering in the bedroom window would soon transform into a lullabying mother, ready to shoulder my mad inconsistencies. It would try to make me fall asleep with every sound it would make and every time it would i'd end up feeling more anxious to meet my dreams. But it would always fail. The earth's lullaby would always strangle me with pain and doubt and lifeless feelings. And when it would seem like all hope has fade away, the memory of you would strike me deep into where they call the heart and it would always be the kind of sleeping pill that would put me into slumber. Minutes before it would take me away i would thank God again, not for the long-awaited sleep, but for the happy, photographic memories of the past that stayed..

I would lullaby my tears to sleep right after i whisper Amen.

Every single day i would.

Cross off things you've done in your life.

Graduated High School.
Kissed someone.
Smoked cigarettes.
Got so drunk you passed out.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Been dumped.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class.
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid).
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself. (accidentally)
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself. (accidentally)
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
And a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Attempted suicide.
Voted for American/Australian Idol.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn’t have.

Wondered about your sexuality.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Petted a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Did “spirit day” at school.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A’s.
Been on the Honor Roll.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Had a party while your parents weren’t home.
Gotten caught having a party while they were gone.

Chuva-Choo-Choo!

Got up this morning, turned the tv on and Oh Babe was on Cinema 1. Cant get enough of old pinoy movies. Kahit jologs. HAHA!

You do it to yourself.

You do it to yourself, you do. And that's what really hurts.- Just, Radiohead

Bagyong Ondoy

So there was flood everywhere, i mean, EVERYWHERE. Baha sa buong Metro Manila, Pampanga, some parts of Batangas, Cavite and Laguna (and some other provinces). Even here in Makati, hindi rin makaalis sa mga opisina at skwelahan ang mga na-stranded na studyante at mga office people. We even had to fetch my cousin who's working in the World Trade Center Building in front of Mapua Makati kase abot tuhod na ang baha sa main roads. Pinasok na nga daw ng baha pati mga kotse ng ka-officemates nya sa parking lot e. My other cousin (the one who drove the car) told me to bring his camera and shoot what's happening on the streets. So i did, pero medyo malabo yung iba. Here they are:

"May advantages din pala ang katamaran." That was my cousin's reaction when she knew i didnt go to school. Im a lucky piece of shit. Cos if i did go to school, i would've been stranded there too along with all the other students who, until now, aren't home.

Make love.

Interpol - Rest My Chemistry

Im a misguided ghost.

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistake

And run
From them
With no direction
We'l run from them, from them
With no conviction

Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Travelling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
Well now I'm told that this life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it

Someone care to classify,
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just
Misguided ghosts
Travelling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And theres no one role
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles

Random.

Three weeks ago i was indifferently waiting for a classmate on the 7th floor hallway of our building with a friend when three of our old classmates noticed us. We were so excited to spend time with each other again after so many months of not being in the same class. One topic led to another and the next thing i knew, we were already talking about love lives. I was already hesitant to stay and chat with them knowing they would certainly ask questions about me and answering them was the unbearable part. But i stayed anyway.

"Oh, Mars, gumaganda ka ngayon ah. Blooming?," my 17-year old friend jokingly said. "Ganun talaga pag single. Hehe..," i replied. "Ha? Single? Bakit? Ano nangyare sa inyo nung boyfriend mo? Sino na nga ba ulit yun, si ***?," she immediately said. Rina, my friend, and i looked at each other and i knew then that she knew i didn't want to answer the question. "Ah, yun? Wala na yun. Haha!" The way i said it made me laugh. It's not me to be talking like that especially when people ask me about that guy. I usually answer their questions with a sad ring to every word. "Hala! Talaga?! E di'ba sobrang in-love kayo nun? Grabe.. Sayang! Ano ba nangyare?" And words just came out. "Nawala na kase yung love e," i said. And that friend of mine wasn't still contented with my answer and had to ask me another follow-up question which made me a bit irritated. But then again, they were friends and they knew about us and i thought maybe the situation was a really hard thing to swallow for everyone, including them. I understood. "Ano ba kase nangyare? Eto, hindi nagkukuwento." What to say, what to say. I was at a loss for words.

"Ayoko na kase pag-usapan e. Haha," was all i said.

I knew they understood what i meant about the last thing i said.

Get the fuck out.

If i can only cut you out of my life like an unnecessary strand from a beautiful dress, life would be so much better. Get the fuck out of my life. Get the fuck out.

NO.

That explains it.

Runaway.

Everybody was intoxicated, not me.

I had to go. Tita was home and i'd be dead if i came home super late so when Keps announced he was gonna be off in a while, i decided to come along. "Nakakabadtrip e. Ba't sila may beso-beso, ako wala?" Arturo, my other friend, jokingly told me on the way to the bus stop. "E ganun talaga e." I, laughing, replied. But i gave him a kiss on the cheek anyway. It was the least i can do for all the efforts he's exerted since he knew about my conditon.

Keps and i talked in the bus. I was already nervous then, knowing i had to get off of the bus in Buendia and ride another jeep that would take me home, alone. I distracted myself. As always, i tried. I eventually said goodbye to him and got off. Rode a jeep and off it went. I turned my iPod shuffle on and found myself listening to Urbandub's Runaway. Funny how things fall into the right place when you least expect it. It felt like it was written for me, for that moment, for that very feeling i felt when i got off the jeep. I clicked paused, unconsciously went inside McDonald's and bought a sundae. No, im not a big fan of chocolate fudged sundaes but it just seemed like it was the perfect time to try something i haven't done for a long while..liking something i don't.

I bought 2 cigs but never bothered lighting it. I just bought them for the very purpose of knowing i had cancer sticks in my pocket. I felt contented. I wanted to stay there, outside Mcdo, and wait until i experience the panic. I wanted to feel alone again and actually love it. I wanted to be proud of myself that for once, after a long while, im comfortable with being lonely. I wanted to be somebody else and not mind other people's feelings. I wanted to runaway from everything and just stay there until i forget who i am. I wanted to be responsible for my actions, to be independent, to be safe without anybody else's help. But i knew that if i did, id be liking things i dont. And it struck me..

Im tired of wanting things im not supposed to want.

Prodigal daughter?

"at kung sinasabe mong wala akong respeto sayo, ikaw lang nagiisip nun kase ganyan ka naman talaga saken e. ang kitid ng pagiisip mo pagdating saken. lahat nlg ng gagawin ko mali mali mali."

"pero sana bigyan mo ako ng chance na ayusin ko buhay ko sa paraang alam ko."

"kung talaga concerned ka, ikaw na mismo gagawa ng paraan para mapabuti kalagayan ko. e ung mga ibligasyon mo saken lagi mong tinuturo sa iba. kaya sana ma wag mo akong sisihin kung hindi ako umaasa sayo kasi kahit dati pa ganyan ka na talaga saken. mas gusto mo pang ibang tao ang umintindi saken kesa ikaw. ikaw nga dapat ang laging nandyan e, laging tumutulong, laging umiintindi"

"okay. ako nalang ang iintindi sayo ma., naiintindihan ko na wala kang oras saken. naiiintindihan ko na wala kang planong intindihin ang mga pangangailangan ko. naiintindihan ko na lagi akong mali at ako ang pinakamasamang anak para sayo."

Naked.

Lately i've been fond of taking nude photos of me. Weng (a friend) has been helping me on the editing part, which is great cos i haven't really mastered it and the CS3 my friend gave me isn't much of a help either since he didn't get to teach me all his mad skills cos of our communication problems. But hell, all those never hindered me in doing what i love.

Being naked, or should i say seeing myself naked, makes me feel pretty, inside and out. It's one of those random, little things that keep me sane and on my feet. Especially now that im going through a lot.. Whenever i see myself barenaked with all the impurities i have, it makes me appreciate myself more. It convinces me that life shouldn't be all about the perfect and pretty whatnots. Adam and Eve made a mistake that until now people can't get over with, religions have been arguing about and nature has been trying understand. But only few can fathom the fact that what happened is inevitable. It's like leaving your 5-year old son in an amusement park and telling him not to recieve anything from strangers.

Children make mistakes, they can't and will never help it.

People may judge us of our flaws, point our mistakes and stress our imperfections but in the end the only thing that will matter is God and what he sees in us. We are all children of God and whatever we do, we will always be perfect in His sight. He will always be forgiving and ready to accept us of our shortcomings and that is one of the glorious things most of us forget to appreciate.

We are all naked. But God is patiently waiting for all of us to accept his invitation to be clothed with His love, understanding and salvation.

*Im just so inspired today. Thank you, God.*

Goodbye JB.

The world will miss you.

Rest in peace.

details

The Scientist.

Last week was slow as a snail.

Oh, the cons of a self-timed camera.

Photo Editing by:

Weng Monsale / Kick Tomato

(black and white unedited)

Oh, man.

"Now tonight, I sleep alone. It’s probably healthy because when I’m tangled up with you I can hardly sleep at all. I spend the whole night on fire, quietly smoldering most of the time. Except when you pull me closer and rub your soft scruffle up and down my neck and chest. Or when you grab me by the hip bone and sink your thumbs into my flesh, sending electric chills up and down my body.Or when you pull me into you, sliding your fingers down my spine until they press the small of my back (chills, again). Or when your lips find the back of my neck and you mumble about how good I smell. Those are the times that the smoldering gives way to a blazing flare and all I can do is hope for a nap the next day.

But not tonight. You’re there and I’m here. I could never tell you this, but every night your body isn’t pressed against mine, I have to pack pillows around myself just to fall asleep. But we are just friends, and I’m sure you sleep fine without me."

Smoking is Fun! :D

Cnu n?

I want a million 120mm films in my doorstep tomorrow just in case you'd want to come back in my life. I miss you. Fuck, i really really do. And it upsets me so much knowing you're having a hard time trying to get back and.. You're not really coming back, are you?

:(

BFM.

you were in my dream last night. whispered something and all i can remember was me whispering back "oo, di ko gid pagkalimtan". when i woke up i cant remember a thing you said..

went back to my life after that.

My visit to the Shrink.

I waited 2 fuckin' hours for Dr. Cruz earlier.

Nagusap kame ng bonggang-bongga ni Doc about the weird things that are happening to me. He asked me things like "Have you been traumatized about something?" or "Do you want to talk about the bad things that happened to you recently?" and stuff like "Are you pressured or is there something stressing you? School? Family? Peers?" What's funny is he really tried squeezing it all out of me. Apparently, the only choice was to relate the story of my life, so i did. It's cool 'cos it's the first time i ever had a really informational conversation with a professional shrink and the weird thing is i wasn't hesitant to talk. They really do know how to psycho people.

When he finally got all the juicy bits from me, he announced it was Acute Anxiety Disorder. I wasn't sure if i'd be happy or not. Happy 'cos at least i found out what's wrong with me and not, 'cos the truth wasn't any less devastating at all. Wasn't any less hard. Wasn't any less painful. He gave me medications. No, i mean, narcotics. The guy from Mercury Drug said the pills were "dangerous" reason why they had to get my ID and confiscate the RX the Doc gave me. I just laughed.

Does that mean im dangerous too?

Only God knows.

Because today's the first day of my "heart complication" life, i've decided to stay at home and rest.

I went to the doctor (alone) yesterday. Dr. Bartolome is the same doctor i went for a check up when i was sick a month ago. He's an internist and he's ilonggo. He checked my record and said "Ano na naman ang sakit mo 'day?" and when i told him i experience palpitations, he replied "Ay abaw, lain naman? Ano ginabatyag mo subong?" We discussed about the different symptoms i had and he was nodding and all to my explanations. He asked me about stress and if i feel tired all the time, i said yes to the latter. He was explaining things to me, which didn't really made sense until he told me about the heart complication. "Bal-an mo 'day pag gabiring ang isa ka lobe sg ulo mo, sa heart mo na and problema. Dali ka kapuyon? Example, magsaka ka sa stairs, dali ka kapuyon?" I didn't quite understand the things he told me but there's one thing i realized, my head always numbs when i feel really tired. So when i agreed to his explanations, he told me to lay down the bed near the door of his clinic. He checked my heart with his stethoscope. "Hmmm, sa heart gid. Ah, sa heart gid.." was all he said. He gave me anti-stress supplements and for the palpitations which i found out later on was also given to patients who tremble a lot coupled with anxiety. And then i asked him about panic attacks.

Both Dr. Bartolome and my ate (who's an RN) agreed to the panic disorder, so the doc referred me to a Dr. Cruz, a psych. But my appointment's tomorrow. All i can do now is get myself ready for whatever the doctor's findings may be.

Apparently, the worst is yet to come. So yesterday, after hearing the sad news, i decided to go out and have some fun with friends. I must have fun now that i still can 'cause technically, only God knows..

Chocolate Kisses.

Panic attacks.

For the past week i've been having really bad panic attacks and it's getting the best of me. I don't even know why im experiencing it. I told my ate about it, and last week she told me i should observe.. But yesterday was the last straw.

After school i went to a coffee shop to drink this really cold mocha frappe and read the last pages of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I stayed there for a while and finally went home. I was thinking of maybe doing some wicked tracks over Fruity Loops when i get home when suddenly the panic attack started. I wasn't able to breathe. I don't know if i am aware that im hallucinating but my mind was not where it was. I know deep inside it was somewhere else and i don't know where. I started to feel really nauseated and my body turned cold. I tried directing the AC on a different direction but it did no help. So i stopped at Pedro Gil and used the bathroom at a local food chain store. I peed and it was the most glorious pee ever. I started to shake the feeling off and when it did i rode the bus to Ayala. I wanted to sleep, i really really wanted to close my eyes and think nothing but sleep but i can't. Panic overwhelmed me again. But this time it was close to dying, literally. I tried all sorts of distraction, focused on different things (like the cars and the road and how they all look blurry from where i am), i even sang to the song the radio on the bus was playing but all it did was make my heart beat faster. It felt like something was after me and i know it's all in my head but it just wouldn't go away. So i got off again, this time it was a mall. I pretended i was searching for something. I have to find something nice so my mind would be distracted of the panic. I saw nipple tapes on the counter of one of the shops i went into and bought it immediately. I was always so fond of nipple tapes but didn't really got the chance of buying one for myself so when i got out of the shop i felt happy. The weird kind of happy. I searched for a bathroom, locked myself inside a cubicle and started crying. I realized i had no control of my mind anymore. No control of my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my fear. So i texted my ate again, and this time i told her i was really scared. But what scared me the most is the way she talked to me. It was the first time she was serious over something concerning me.

I rode a taxi and when i finally got home, i cried. And there was one thing i asked myself over and over again.. "What's wrong with me?"

Reverie.

So, it's the first time in 2weeks that i viewed your blog and really, i had nothing to do when i did that (i still am a few pages to the end with the current book im reading). Im a little bit hurt (yes, just a little bit, so your guilt trips wouldn't be so bugged) about how busy you are and all that really long list you have of the things you wana do in the future and it just left me confused and numb at the same time knowing i wont be in it (not ever) and so, i wont be expecting anyway. Just a little bit hurt, that's all. Our last conversation was, well, not that friendly at all. For the record, i was really drunk when i texted you and really, i didnt know what i was doing that night. I just felt like i needed to keep up with your life in case i was unconsciously left behind with my own. Things have been amazingly different and fast-paced lately and im trying not to be too worked up with the agendas that's keeping me busy but, you know, there's still things that keep me on the ground. Like you. When i think about you, it's like the whole world, the whole human race is pretending with me. Pretending that you do not exist for a minute or two or if you are, you're somewhere else anwyay, some place where nobody knows you or if they do they are too busy to even bother you and vice versa and you're alone. So alone that you probably think the same way and the whole world, the whole human race would probably be doing the same thing you want them to do when you think about me and i think about you. But that's bull.

I dont know if i miss you or i love or i need you. Cos even if i figure that one out id be in deep shit anyway. So i think it's better that i think of you this way so things can get back to the way they were when you weren't part of the big picture.

There's one thing i know for sure though. Im still running away from that last night we were together. Still finding a 24/7 coffee shop that can satisfy my need for silence and reverie. Still finding the best tasting coffee, one that can make me forget the things we shared. Still finding that one person who wouldn't leave my life just when i need him the most..

TVL215

Im gonna ride this plane out of your life again.

Realizations.

I wasn't aware that you never knew that i did. I didn't know that nobody ever told you that i knew everything already. Then maybe you are right. Maybe we must stop talking and arguing and pretending we're okay being friends when obviously, we're not. We'll never get over each other and i guess that's what's making me do a lot of mess. I ask a lot of questions. I tell you a lot of private nuisance. I annoy you and i never knew i did, not until last night.

You still make me realize things.

And you know what i realized last night?

I'm tired.

This time around, i won't hold you back anymore.

But im here, always.

Take care.

yudiputayah.

My tear ducts were never this proud before.

3am song.

Baby, it's 3am. I must be lonely.

Mister Tuffy.

So maybe we're not really supposed to talk about things like the ones we talked about the other night and how you made me smile conversation after conversation, topic after topic, long pause after long pause, and question after question. And maybe there wasn't enough periods in our sentences which made that night seem so.. incomplete. Or maybe it was just a dream i still couldn't figure out until now, and maybe days after this. Or maybe it was the read-between-the-lines or the i-got-you-where-i-want-you phrases that never failed to make me feel scared and delighted both at the same time.

You are one strange guy, Mr. Tuffy. And im never as good as you in mind games. But damn you for making me miss you this much.

I miss you.

Part of me still wants a part of you.

That part which i knew better than anyone else..

I dont even know why we ended up like this.

I want to let you go, i do.

But sometimes, even the hardest things in life are the most convenient ones.

I miss you in the morning, when i wake up.

I miss you when i try to find words to describe how much i do.

Because when you're near, it's easier to say them..

I'd give anything to go back..

FEU Art Gallery

I was trying to scan my High School graduation pictures earlier but because of a dumbass that i am, i wasn't able to successfully save them.. Was supposed to post 'em here, ugh. So, anyway, i had a 6-730pm class yesterday and my friend Rina and I were killing time goofing around at the 8th floor of our building when i suddenly thought of taking photos of the works i like. And tah-dah, here they are.

So sorry for the bad shots. Taken with my Nokia 3500c phone.

:)

This song came out of nowhere.

Hinanap ko talaga yung videoke version. LOL. Have fun singing. :)

(the title is a HUGE smiling face, hindi lang kasya)

Ooooh! I really hope that video cheered you up.

When i looked EMO up on YouTube, i was actually expecting your name but darn, guess you didn't know i had a YouTube account.

AND THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIFT!

Man, i will never forget it.

Believe me, you don't wanna know why. :)

Turning billiard junkie.

2 straight wins over billiards. Until, of course, that son of a bitch fought me. LOL. Para namang ang galing-galing ko diba. Some luck. Heh.

Cant breathe cant breathe cant fuckin breathe.

Just intoxicated. :)

Egyptian Architecture - shit.

Akala ko film showing lang, yun pala hindi.

Nakngtokwa.

And because im such a lazy ass, i wont finish this anymore.

Bahala na si Batman.

Heh.

Ooh la la.

Finally had the time to make changes. Im in a daze, im so lovin' my new header. Do you think i can do for a graphic chu-chu? LOL. Saw some really good finds on the internet over the long weekend. I might have to stay away from the computer, though.

Exams = Pain in the ass.

Will post all the sweet nothings i found some time this week.

Balik-balik lang.

According to Google...

Mariza needs..

- to get a life.

- a ROOMIE. (yes, in all caps)

- a little more maturity, and perhaps better guidance in what fados sing.

- to reveal her true identity to him but is concerned about the consequences. (FTW?)

- "...Mariza is Mariza," she said. "She doesn't need comparisons to anyone."

Mariza is..

- Kid. (si Kid?)

- confirmed to play the Concert Hall on 5 October. (fo' real?)

- the reigning queen of Portoguese Fado music.

- a Mozambican whose soul was forged in the old Mouraria district of Lisbon.

- an exponent.

Mariza loves..

- Cedric for life. (FTW?)

- me, loves me not.

- abnormal psych. (too weird)

- fabulous. (why, thank you!)

- to cook, horseback ride and dance.

Mariza hates..

- you at the Lemonade Diaries..and everywhere else too.

- Bradley Tanks? (yes, with the question mark)

- people who idolizes money and material possessions.

- straps.

- it when hockey games gets in the way of sex. (LOL)

Mariza has

- joined CAMI for exclusive representation throughout North America.

- her own explanation.

- had massive international recording success. (Gah, i wish i had!)

- it all.

- been criticized.

You wont be able to see me when you search my full name, though. Apparently, there's this Portuguese singer whose name's a little too similar with mine - Mariza Monte. LOL.

I got a feeling.

..that this isn't just eyebags.

Go figure.

Para Kay B ni Ricky Lee

(O kung papaanong dinevastate ng pag-ibig ang 4 out of 5 sa atin)

I broke my rules.

This was referred to me by close friends and i actually visited the bookstore a couple of times, just looking at the book and thinking and rethinking if it would turn out as a good read. Im not really a fan of tagalog books, even those by Bob Ong (i hate him) who, apparently, is the one reigning the minds and SMS Quotes folder of everyone's cellphone. Yes, i know how you must react to this 'cause obviously you have recieved and loved every quote in his book but darn, i just don't like the way he feeds everyone's insecurities and the way he thinks of reality as if everyone has to die with a wedgie hanging on the person's ass in the end. And that's fucked up.

Anyway that was so off-topic. Getting back to the subject..

This book has 5 love stories written to differentiate the 5 kinds of love known to man. Waiting in vain, Incest, Homosexuality, Slavery and Karma. I find this book quite honest and useful. Although there were times that i'd actually bore myself reading and eventually passing out of drowsiness. Hindi naman sa kulang sa spunk. Some stories were at times interesting and some other times boring. But in the end, i found myself saying "This was a good read after all".

Ill give it a 4 out of 5.

Dylan.